I had developed such a bad habit since my first time I was in love.
That was actually in kindergarten with one of my classmate and we were kind of a couple too. Just imagine two little nearly 6 years old find love without knowing what is that actually sounds ridiculous, right? However we felt it so real… It must be real we spent so much time together and went trough changes like starting the school together. We became desk mates obviously.
That’s my problem, I fall in love too easily and always think that’s the one, that is true, that is real…
After having more and more relationships throughout the years, and developing my life always around my loved one now I burned out! It was kind of enough! It’s more than 20 years after I first experienced being in love with someone and I still know nothing about it.. I still believe this next guy is going to be the One.. I haven’t learnt the lesson… Yet!
I was literally someone’s girlfriend since I was 13 years old! That was my first real-huge-long-beautiful hearth-breakingly amazing one! And I was the one broke up with him because of others’s opinion that I’m too young to be in this serious relationship… That is where the problem started! I’m still not over that because I regret a lot! I have this theory that we could be still the perfect couple however both of us changed a lot! I still in love with that person’s 14 year old self..,
Than I kind of screwed up my sexual life too.. I was too young, without experience with a way much older guy… I hate that poor guy because of it although only me is the one I should blame.
I thought I learnt the lesson but not yet! I jumped onto the next relationships over again and again way too fast expecting ‘he is the One‘
No, actually non of them was..
I broke up with all of them because I stopped feeling that fire after 3-9 months in general!
I didn’t stop for even a moment to take a break figuring out what I really want and who am I really.. Where am I going and who can be my real partner on this journey… I had better experiences during my twenties. Not all but some of them were like that first one. Or actually one was like that. I screwed it up almost the same way kind of thinking there is an other one who can be better... Because I missed the romance what all the beginning’s can give to a girl! and actually the next one is somehow became the second big One for me.
He was the only one has ended to broke up with me. I felt depressed for 2 years and I still feel I’m not over it... I can’t be over it.. He was way too good for me! The only time I felt someone is too much or above me in the perspective of being on a higher vibration or having more self confidence or whatever you call! He was more an adult even he was younger than me. He was such amazing! I think what I learned from it that is I might think that he was the big one and when I screwed up he actually just didn’t give me enough time to lose the interest in him. He broke up while I have been left in the same stage with the fire in my heart… I would might lose this interest in him too… However I still can’t truly say this without thinking that it’s not true, it’s only the fact he was more conscious about that I’m not at the same level than him and I’m not ready for that kind of relationship!
He was right!
I’m 5years after it now still remembering all our wonderful time together… Crying to being such an idiot not feeling enough when he felt I am actually is.. Making the relationship getting kind of tiring to him by losing my shining, beautiful self in him thinking he is not getting what he expected… So eventually that happened, I lost him.
5 years left in continuous self reflection and thinking I have learned enough but still not there… stupid girl.. Still making the same mistakes… Still thinking this can be the one!
Or getting stuck into relationships which are not working at all.. Trying to find him in others.. Instead of trying to find myself. Having time to figure out who is this girl without being someone’s girlfriend!
I just wanna sit back now and enjoy my life. What I honestly do but I’m not in balance.. I am strong but I’m weak as well by caring all these stupid mistakes with me..
And with age it’s getting worse… People, society are all expecting from me to have a family or at least get close to it by now!
All my ex classmates having weddings, kids etc. I’m happy for them and at the same time I feel kind of jealous… And not.. Don’t take me wrong I love my life, I lived my best experiences in the last 2-3years next to a partner who was amazingly patient with me. I feel guilty I wasn’t fair with him letting him be in an illusion I’m going to settle down once. I don’t know it.. I don’t want it! I love my life, I love travelling and having new projects every half years…
When we finally broke up I felt that ok lady, that’s time for change.
Sure… I ended up having theoretical love romances with almost every male around me who was just a little bit nice to me..
I can’t do it anymore!
I need to stop it!
I know it now!
I know love doesn’t come like this..
Falling love most be a long journey… It must not be the feeling I usually equal with being in love! You know that period when there is a fire in your heart in the beginning..
No, I try to stop myself now! I need to change because I’m doing the same and expecting different outcome what is the exact definition of craziness!
I almost started it again in my new environment right now!
Thanks to my amazing teammate who pointed out to me that I’m acting silly thinking he likes me back or actually I love him and thinking he is the one an setting up crazy love stories about our relationship!
Love is supposed to be easy!
Love is must be without imagine our life together without have a real evidence on that this feeling is mutual!
I’m the crazy one thinking I can recognise real love.. I never could not even when I wasn’t involved, just an observer! Most of the time I thought they are not good for each other turned out they are! They all have this commitment to each other I had always failed in building out!
I’m such a mass! I have to stop thinking this is special or that is special or this is a real connection or whatever I imagine with my huge imagination!
Just stop searching and eventually it must come to me, right?
That must be the real role of life understanding that searching or running after something is useless! Giving up and letting your future fill out the missing puzzle pieces without struggling putting it together by your own…
That is when you can feel real love, not thinking of it as real.. Not even suspect it is real.. Not even care about it! That is when it comes!
I wanna do this! I wanna be free of this fear of mine: I need someone to make me a whole/ make my life full!
I’m alone and it’s all right!
If I would be religious I would ask for help to keep me on this way and for giving me strength for this road!
I feel weak! I feel I never learnt how to walk alone… How to be completed by my own!
I just wanna cry it out…
I would like to forget about all the disappointments I had experienced before! It made me feel less and less hopeful…
I wish I could go back in time to that 13 years old girl and talk with her about being silly listening to others not staying with that first guy and skipping all these struggling years. Just being happy with the first one because that is some kind of commitment I consider!
Like not smoking at all as a though in your mind sometimes can stop you start it! Saying I’m not a smoker, I have never smoked, why should I start now?
Saying I was with this guy only in my entire life why should I think that it can be better with anyone else, why should I start it now?
I don’t know…
I still don’t know what is love! What is this about!
So many years so many experiences so many different kind of love..