Discussing in a post about Motherhood? If you had told me that I will do this a few years or even just a few month back, I would clearly doubt your mental status. LOL
I don’t wanna come across as someone against anything, or stating negative about anyone in general. I am trying to explain my very own situation. Please never generalize anything I say in this post, because I am connecting the dots from my specific perspective. I wanna disclose here that I accept everyone’s idea about their own gender, life, needs, goals, understanding of life! Thanks for not thinking about me that I judge anyone else, but myself!
So I was not at all interested in this topic before. I was so all over my own being that I would have never been able to think about someone else’s existence, to be honest. I mean someone’s whose life and wellbeing would be my full responsibility, as I was busy trying to put together the idea of what I like, and don’t, who I am, why am I here and what would make me happy… I was chasing kind of “musthave” milestones: university, getting professional experience, getting driving license, buying stuffs…
I sound like I was the perfect kid… Yeah ok, I was running after boys too.. hahaha Waaaay too much time I have spent to be someone’s girlfriend and also trying to figuring out what is L_O_V_E ? So in my youth (and maybe till now) I also had not that mature goals: going to many parties, getting drunk, visiting all the festivals in my country, figuring out what songs I like, how to do make up (ok I still don’t know this!), what sports I like, what clothes look fine on me, how to lose weight etc. I believe those are all important. I wasn’t quite a fast learner about the relation of myself and the world as I am 31 in 2 weeks and still kind of in a search of what ideas matter in my life, and what not really… For me! ok? I am still not talking about you, or roasting anyone in anything! Every life path is totally different… That is how it is and it is very fine!
Back to my searching for reasons why I am getting just really slowly and way much later interested in Motherhood than for example my mom. She gave birth to me at age 23. Most of my female gendered cousins have kids by today, and I can’t stop staring at baby pictures of my friends’ kiddos on my newsfeed… I love them and I am truly happy for all. Although I can’t deny the fact how this all makes me feel a little bit… kind of self-pity? or jealous? obviously apart from being proud of them, and feeling happy for them! Let’s get back to my story, ok?
You might would have been calling me kind of “un”girly as I have never been much interested in babies. Sure that is not the only factor making someone be a girl, duh! Although from my experience as a kid that was always kind of defining an atypical gender idea of myself, how I was naturally excluding myself of so called girly things: playing with barbies, or having dolls, or going “awww” when seen a toddler. It has always been weird for me to be around kids.
Unsurprisingly -notthatmuch- it can possibly come from the facts that I have never had any siblings, also I am one of the youngest of my cousins too so you can imagine that only-child-of-parents life of mine: I never really been involved to assist through activities around a baby, or cooking or anything housekeepingalike… I was kind of spoiled I guess.
So you can ask by now where this whole idea of being a Mother is coming from right now to me? Well.. Very complex, real long journey got me here. So let’s see the clues:
- I had my hormones kick in at age 23-24ish (?) if it makes any sense to you.. It really does for me because from a day to an other I started to notice babies, and expecting women around me who have been all invisible to me before. To phrasing it nicely.. honestly if I noticed them I would do everything to get as far from them as possible.. I mean obviously not hated them, just felt unsecured around. (duh.. stupid me, had zero experience so wasn’t that surprising to been acting like this.. I know better now the best healing of a “fear” is to face with it, isn’t it?)
- so soon after noticing mothers and babies, I started to talk about this topic with girlfriends. Important notice, that after age 11 and before my 20s I basically had more boys close to me than girls… Again, what a not surprising fact that I wasn’t interested in motherhood related topics before! :D
Anyway, I was saying that this period I had spent hours of discussing and calculating what age would be perfect to meet the ONE, and then how long to live together, to spend as engaged, to get married, and to start a family… This all equation, after very carefully calculated with my besties usually ended up showing a result of “YOU GUYS ARE F-ing LATE ALREADY!!” so much panic followed. Looking back now it is hilarious because soon after one of us (we were 3 girls) had started the family with a lovely boy just met, and not too much later with a baby girl her own family expanded.
- That time I was getting closer to finish my uni, and my (ended up total 6 years of ) part-time multiculti-employee life. I had just got through a 2 years long depression phase as a result of a break up… Therefore I felt the need to do something actively to be more useful for the society I am part of.. So ended up in my AIESEC carrier, and after my national career path ended, I was like “what is the best way to expand our own circle of interest”? TRAVELLING!
Why come too close to my very own european/hungarian culture, I decided to travel to the other side of the world. This is the story how I ended up at age 27 in Ghana as a volunteer in a kindergarten of ~150 kiddos! Where kind of first time in life I was exposed to every level of being a WOMAN (reminder: woman of my own definition), and surprisingly this had started to exciting me. All this new feelings towards WOMAN/MOTHERHOOD came with never-ending discussions with locals ( whom were from young to old, every kind of demographics) about love, marriage, family, babies… Also with the fact I managed to avoid getting experience of changing a diaper for 27 years, Ghana had made me face with this for real. Such shaking hands and being panicked accompanied me to actually changed pamper on a little girl around 1 years for the first time in my life! I was working with 4 teachers, 2 other volunteers, and a director at a school of kids age between 3 months and 6 years.
- I was still very denying about my very own life to be shaped around family life. I will never forget how lost I was in love life, because I was still constantly searching for experiences to define R_E_A_L love. At least for myself! So I definitely had zero thoughts given to babies or getting to the point to be a mom… I went back to UK and I followed the money-making 8 months of struggles of mine in London. I met with amazing people there, but only one made me actually consider being a mom. To be honest by this point of my life at age 28, I had many other girls I have been adoring because of their ability to manage a household, to those things I was actually enjoying avoiding a few years back. They all have been so confident around babies, or household cleaning machines and so. Loved accommodating parties, cooking and baking.. while I was just not into anything like this. I don’t say there is any perfect way to be a WOMAN, because we are all defining it a little different for ourselves. I am just sharing that I adored them and these skills coming naturally from them and not really from me. So this londoner-hungarian girl hosted me for a long time after getting “kicked” out of ex’s room, where I kind of get a little more motivation of learning to be a wife who likes to be taking care of others, and the environment. Obvious fun fact, this girl had a baby girl 1,5 years later I had left her house. You know, almost everyone I kind of included in my story of making me ready has a baby right after making this impact on me… Like I was just there to learn frm them in the very previous moment of their lives just before they got pregnant. I have a good sense for this I guess! *hhahaha*
Note again, this is my idea of my way of being a good woman. Everyone’s idea is beautiful for me, ok? Just stick with my definitions for this article for a bit, agreed? Just to understand what is in me, not to define what it should be in general. Remember, don’t generalize anything I say here! Thanks!
- What not, I had been attracted back to West-Africa again so I arrived back in 2015, at age 28,5 to the region where the lovely Benin Republic lies. In my mind I was still looking for the answers for what is – R_E_A_L L_O_V_E-? so my mind was busy defining this and not to be ready for anything like baby. Thoughts in African culture about family, or at least in these 2 countries I had been by then and few people I had interacted with made me learn a few things: a family life and marriage is essential for a woman as well as taking care of the man and the babies and the house… Ok, even if I am defining my very own woman definition in a very stereotypical way for myself, I am still a feminist. I mean I really stand with equality. So hearing this always triggered me in the beginning.
I still want you to think that any definition by woman of women/motherhood is accepted by me for anyone. I am trying to get mine together. So anyhow it all sounded very weird for me that time. Somehow all seemed like forced, and I believe in many cases in poverty it is.. But when someone decides by herself in agreement of kind of her environment or even without in not that ideal cases, it is good. Anyhow, the point is for me that time it was all about random strangers were asking me: “how old are you? how many kids do you have? zero??? are you not married? why?” then concluding all immediately “this is not good for a woman..” So to know my feminist instincts were struggling not by the questions, but the final conclusion. I mean, you guys, don’t even know me… why do you think it is not good for me? So this phase was all about kind of defining being a woman is being free to decide what to do… so the same about motherhood. I was thinking yeah, ok, i have come far from home, culture and habits are different, so it is important to me to keep balancing ideas and learning to be free about what I believe in about these questions. highlighting again: for myself! not in general.
- about that time some things happened quite fast with someone and some “dangerous” accidentally (yes it was really an accident with protection) I got to a situation of being kind of in a thought about maybe it is a baby-situation. I will never forget that couple of weeks till period came… I was first really like scared… and then went back and forth on scale something like “whoa that is a mistake… it should not be like that..”, through “abortion?” till “hmm maybe being single mom is something I was raised for” even considering “marriage”? I got my life turn out in a way that I was let to be without a kid so far. So again no judgment, everything happens for a reason. For me it was this time to learn about my feelings and thoughts about this topic from this kind of “strange” situation.
- moving on I was influenced a lot through 1,5 years in West Africa (Benin and later Togo) not just mentally, culturally even physically but more importantly spiritually. I got to work with different religious people. Although the most I gain new ways of considering myself and the topic womanliness, motherhood was the religion called Christianity. I am still lost about who is what kind of christian, but I know it wasn’t Catholic or Evangelic or anything like that. Anyhow I started to receive books about the topic, even the Bible. I am non religious, so I am open to anything to learn from. I love everything what makes sense to me or challenging my definition in general. So had discussed a lot with my dear friends, and myself and with God too let’s say, about this topic. I read books about what is the religious idea about a woman. It had added me a lot. I felt like I wanna be a nurturer for a man, for a family, and even in larger scale for society. Looking back now, I believe I was always the annoying one of my circle of friends -not always very sophisticated ways but- kind of pushing for more, helping out to reach more, motivating, inspiring, being there etc. So it was natural to accept this role as something I was maybe unconsciously craving for a while.
- Meanwhile I turned to 30 last year around Christmas and I was there in a very not good relationship situation with two amazing guys, or even three.. It is really not nice. Nobody can profit from this! Trust me! Anyhow, it was my journey. I prayed a lot that time or let’s say was asking the universe, or setting up goals for myself or anyhow it fits to you to say, to find one person and finally commit. It was a long story, but shortly by today I believe I am someone who wants to commit to O_N_E person. I actually have a partner, and we have a long story too (maybe next time I’ll share it…) so far we are careful because we know nothing is sure in life. Anything can happen. But it is not about someone else. It is my inner kind of readiness… and I have never felt this ready in my life to commit. I am not saying I am ready! just feel i am on the right place. We don’t know anything… We can’t be sure about anything.. So let’s just let me have this feeling of (by the age 31) I think I had shaped my definition of what is my role as a woman in this life. Again, extra pressure on mine, my very own.
- Although this is not about a boy, and a lovely relationship I have right now. That can go away any time, no matter how much I wanna stay with him forever or he with me… It is more about this inner feeling I have reached. If you tell me even a week ago I will start to write about this on my blog.. *hahaha* no way! so other step helped recently for me to feel like it is time for me, is that I have started to follow youtubers. Mommies who are vlogging next to 2-3-5 kids. I am getting more and more motivated to do this. And learning too from these videos to get an idea about real motherhood as an adult right now, with this mentality. Yeah I have friends and cousins having kids, but i am not seeing everything because I am first of all not in my country, second not around all the time. Sure with vlogs neither, but gives kind of an idea. I am enjoying it right now. I have no idea what is the next stage with this idea of mine to be a mother… but do not just rush anywhere…
- also I remembered there were other aspects changed my mind, is obviously returning to my country after 2 years not even being anywhere near… telling my stories, also about my partner…. this summer when i first came home none asked me the question… you know? “So, will you settle down now?” We were quite new at that time with my partner. And I wasn’t having this baby and marriage thing in my mind that much. Although recently I came home I had everyone somehow sensing my changes in mind, and asking me what are my plans about family related questions. So talking out my ideas not just with partner, but others makes things more clear, and deepen my intentions. I still don’t know what the future holds for me, but i feel like now i am the closest in spirit to want this whole package so far.
- I almost forget this… I am getting more and more blur about the reasons of mine as I am more into the very current moment in this little storytelling I was painting to you about my experience… As I have been traveling the last 2-3 years, not living with my mom, being independent etc. I have been shaped a lot towards a thinking that I hope to be sharing life with someone, and also caring after a baby… I have been in like 14 countries only in 2017. Thanks God for this blessing of traveling. I always wished for this and I got it and I am super blessed. I have gratitude towards this period of my life. Although I lately started to feel more and more the need to settle down, to stop living from suitcases, to start building something bigger than me… hopefully a family and a business for society… maybe a house! :) will see!
These were my thoughts about my very own journey! This is how I am trying to connect the dots the universe provides to me and how i am trying to define myself and some roles of mine (naturally provided options and the ones my culture defines for me…). How are you doing it for yourself?
If you know me in person or just wanna challenge my reasoning of my own development I do really want to hear your opinion about this. Please share your thoughts with me!