Unapologetically Me

Have you ever had an issue in social gatherings or a team work, when you couldn’t be unapologetically yourself? 

When I was a child it was very difficult to give to the world the real self of me. I was often rewarded to be the quiet, kind and always ready-to-help-person. Since I know my mind I have been trying to please people and find ways to fit to them and what their agenda is. Or mostly solve their problems.

Then slowly I realized I also have a vision of myself, the world and just in general about interactions I wanna have in my own life. Learned to take control of a situation. 

Started to make my own decisions and stop relying on my parents relatively early: at age 12 going to dentist alone not necessary making the best dental decisions tho… age 14 deciding on what I wanna learn completely without my parents influence. Starting making money in remote jobs around age 18. Going abroad without their permission… Choosing university.. Basically majority of the teenage dilemmas I was figuring out alone.

This had provided me many advantages: to develop useful skills like sensing quite well what others need, feel or think, organizing myself and others around me, easily understand complex situations, see through processes and relations between seemingly unrelated happenings which are actually leading towards one possible ending.

Although it took me till today, to see how self-actualizing I have became during this process of gaining independence and how it had kind of ruined my life in many areas so far.

I am super opinionated, very stubborn, hard to argue with, and even more impossible to lead. 

Due to love of coming up with ideas and unbearably painful need to organize and explain the world’s happenings around me, I feel always entitled to be the one who tells to others why and how things should be. Even though I am taking in inputs and sensitive to others, in the end my stupid desire to fit everything into one picture, more often then not, kills the vibes with others. 

Ok, I think I am too harsh on myself today, but let’s continue. Kind of enjoying this level of honesty.

It is hard to start to giving up control. 

I have such sensitively calibrated forecasting system. 

I gathered experience after experience over 30 years now to build this ability… and I am not able to use it in many situations.. It feels a waste.

No I am not always right.. nor always making everything the best. This is not about that. But if you ever had deep feelings about directions in a project with such clarity it is usually working. And it had usually turned out right on my own way.. so sorry. I sound like a freaking arrogant b.tch… 

Perhaps I just care too much about the end result and too less about what others think or feel about me.

God bless those people who are pointing these out to me along the road. and please forgive me when I am blind to your wisdom.

Just to close on a positive note, today in a hostel I never been before, I tried to behave the opposite who i usually am: ignorant, silent, not taking over any space or any activity (like the remote for Netflix :D), and kind of not caring about other’s and their lives or discussions and giving them “advice” about how to get jobs in UK or find accommodation. I let these topics completely pass my ears. It feels so good not wanting to save the world by making it more effective and helpin gothers out with information I gathered. :D

I finally get it! The world doesn’t need me to share knowledge, information or try to care for others. Not even to improve processes and effectivity. The world doesn’t need me to make it a better place. The world needs me to consume. To endlessly run around in cycles.

I always got “punished” to be honest, say things I believe would make things better, or when I care for others and try to help.

Meanwhile the liars, the ones who don’t care about results just their own reputation or those who just never can help others usually always get the big fish.. the better table. The most expensive cars. The positions.

The World doesn’t even matter. Nothing matters.

I ether switching to fight club mood rolling downhill to meltdown or just going through destroying self-set life rules and core believes just to come out with redefining myself. Hopefully it’s gonna be an upgrade.

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